Military Kids (Part 2)
by Nikki Hurlbut (Wife, Mother, Stepmother, Army Veteran, and Military Spouse)
“If anyone deserves recognition and appreciation for their selfless service, it’s military children. Born into military hospitals around the globe, they will learn far too young goodbyes will be frequent and difficult. At some point in their toddler years, they inevitably will huge a camouflaged leg of someone other than their uniformed parent by mistake.” April Military Officer Magazine
According to a study conducted by Military One Source, there were roughly 981,871 military children with active duty parent(s). That same study showed 675,730 military children with reserve or guard parent(s).
When we hear the term “military kids” (MK) we typically go straight to active duty families: frequent moves, military installations, surrounded by other MK. I cannot speak on behalf of those situations because I do not know what that’s like.
“For ten weeks, I worried if Olivia would even remember me. I struggled with physical fitness and Post-Partum Depression. ”
This blog is going to talk about a local Army National Guard family. The dad is a full time (active duty) National Guard soldier. The mom was in the National Guard as an “M-Day” soldier (monthly drill / annual training) for ten years before she was honorably discharged. There are four kids, ages six to fifteen. This is the Hurlbut family. This is my family.
Keith will celebrate his 20th year with the National Guard this May. Of those 20 years, he has spent 18 months in Iraq, and roughly seven years as a full time soldier. He has two kids, Caleb (15), and Hannah (12) from his previous marriage. Currently is full time, Active Guard and Reserve (AGR) the 1107th Aviation Group in Springfield, Missouri.
I enlisted after I completed Law Enforcement Academy in December of 2009. I could not wait to get to training. My lifelong dream had always been to become a soldier. By Jan 2010, I found out I was pregnant. To be completely honest, I was devastated. I did not want to be a mom. This kid was going to screw up everything. What was going to happen with my contract? Would I get kicked out before I even got started?
During my pregnancy, I was able to attend drill and continue my contract. Olivia was born September 2010. I was able to continue attending weekend drill while working hard to get in shape for ten weeks basic training. I shipped out April 2011, seven months after Olivia was born. At that time, I was the first Recruit Sustainment Program (RSP) soldier who had gotten pregnant before her ship date to fulfill her commitment by completing basic combat training. Due to Keith’s schedule with his military responsibilities, my mom was the primary caregiver for Olivia during that time. For ten weeks, I worried if Olivia would even remember me. I struggled with physical fitness and Post-Partum Depression. As graduation approached, I found myself worrying more about missing Olivia’s first birthday than anything else. Among many other tasks, I was required to pass my physical fitness test or I would not pass basic training. If I was to be held back, I wouldn’t be home for her birthday. I couldn’t let that happen. Less than 18 months prior, I thought my dreams were over because of a kid. Now, that Olivia is what motivated me to keep going when I had nothing left. The best part is she remembered me.
Keith and I have been together over 12 ½ years and married for nine this June. In my nine short years in the military I worked full time and as a military contractor helping other military families. Dual-status military families make up only 13,000 out of 802,842 total Guard/Reserve soldiers nationwide. Our family had an added stressor with this. Keith and I were away from the kids a lot. Sometimes our training fell during the same time and we had to reach out to our village for help. Other times it seemed like just as one got home, the other was ready to leave. While the last few years I was mostly just the weekend warrior, I was also a social worker so I was still away more than most. Caleb and Hannah spend one week with us and one week with their mom and stepdad (who is also retired military). Keith and I share Olivia who is now ten and Elizabeth “Lizzy” is six.
April is military child appreciation month, officially known as the Month of the Military Child.
Military Kids are a huge part of the Military Family. When Service Members are gone for training or deployment, Military Kids are put to a different test, especially during holidays, birthdays, family time, life lessons, and everyday life.
Our April mission is called Military Kids. It's a 4 mile walk/ruck with 4 exercises in honor of Military Kids. More details here!
Proceeds go towards a scholarship for deserving Military Kids. The scholarship is in honor and remembrance of Hannah H., a true Military Kid that passed away on April 11, 2020, from undiagnosed Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes. We call the scholarship Hannah’s Heroes.
Donations are also accepted for this cause here. Please select, Military Kids Scholarship when donating online. Processing fees apply. If you choose to donate by check, please contact us here.
I give you all of this background to make this point: MK are tough creatures. Specifically, Guard/Reserve MK. They rarely know other kids their age with a parent (let alone both) who are in the military. Finding friends who can understand what they’re going through is difficult. Honestly, finding adults, like teachers and coaches who know what MK are going through is difficult. Finding local resources is near impossible. This is really no one’s fault necessarily as most Guard/Reserve families blend in to their communities and are far away from military installations.
Our family had been lucky. Up until December 2019, neither Keith nor I had to deploy anywhere. In spring of 2019, Keith received his orders for a nine month routine deployment to Kuwait.
He would be in headquarters, which means safe paper-pushing. While it stunk that he’d be gone and would miss several things, we were also grateful that technology is so amazing and we’d be able to communicate a lot. Keith’s job was to get home from the deployment safely. My job was to hold down the fort on home front. We made it five months.
During that five months, all four of the kids went above and beyond what their age levels should ever have to think about. We were all use to one of us, or both, being gone but never for this long. Caleb stepped up and was the man of the house at 14. He took that job very seriously. He would try to “discipline” the girls and do the “heavy lifting”. Hannah was my right hand man. I’m not sure I could have made it with my sanity intact if it had not have been for her. Olivia and Lizzy
had the roughest time, mostly because there was only one parent to get attention from instead of both. Christmas, birthdays, events all required attention and there was just one of me. All it took was a gentle reminder as to why I could only spread myself so far and they would immediately adjust fire and move around whatever obstacle it was. They never complained. Truly complained. We all admitted it sucked. I wanted them to be honest and vocal about that. But they never truly complained. They bragged about how their dad was in the desert to fight bad guys so that the bad guys wouldn’t come here. Every time Lizzy, who was five at the time, saw an American Flag she would point and say “Daddy’s Flag!”
In April of 2020, Hannah passed away at the age of 12 from undiagnosed Type one Juvenile Diabetes. Keith was still in Kuwait, COVID was in full swing, and being the stepmom, I had little in the way of….well….anything. Within 72 hours, Keith was back home and we started the grieving/post-deployment process. While Keith and I have our own set of struggles, I truly cannot imagine being in my MK’s shoes during any of this. Their positivity, resiliency, and mostly their mercy is incredibly humbling. Regardless of the challenges and obstacles thrown at them, they soldier on, they embrace the suck, and they complete the mission. But don’t allow them to struggle in isolation.
If you take away anything from this blog, please let it be this:
Remember Guard/Reserve MK when you think about MK. Ask your kids if they know any MK in their classes or on their ball teams. If they do, make a point to meet their parents, meet the kiddos. Let them know that you would like to be a part of their village.
Explain to your kids the nature of a Guard/Reserve family and how they might be able to offer a little source of support and comfort to MK. We Soldiers think we’re strong?! Yeah Right!! There’s nothing that compares to MK!