Military Kids (Part 1)

by Nikki Hurlbut (Wife, Mother, Stepmother, Army Veteran, and Military Spouse)

I’ve worn many hats over the last 33 years. I’d like to think I’m able to adapt to most situations that are thrown at me. I typically just say “I’ll make it happen”. That’s been dangerous in some cases.

For those of you who do not know me, I am a Veteran of the Missouri Army National Guard (NG). I’m also married to a Soldier, Keith, who is an active duty solider for the NG. I have two daughters, a stepson, and a stepdaughter. Olivia, ten, and Elizabeth “Lizzy”, six are my biological daughters. Caleb is fifteen and is my stepson. Hannah was twelve years old when she passed away in April 2020 due to undiagnosed Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes. We had no idea.

“During all of this, military personnel both overseas and here at home, worked around the clock to get Keith home.”

I’ve tried to write this blog several times. From the time we realized something was wrong, until the time she passed away it truly seemed like a matter of hours. In reality, it was roughly four days. I’ve tried to reconstruct the timeline many times. I’ve realized I’m not sure it’s possible. But, I’ll try to give a reader’s digest version.

Few things to mention before I get started. Keith deployed in December 2019 for a nine month deployment to Kuwait. We have both been the Soldier and the spouse back home, so we were ready for this challenge. My job was to hold down the fort at home. I knew that I had the harder job and I took my job very seriously.

Around midnight on April 8th, Ashley, Hannah’s biological mom, noticed she was not acting normal. She was very tired, incredibly thirsty, could not use the rest room, and started acting loopy. This was at the height of COVID so taking her to the ER was not as easy as it should have been.

**Disclaimer: I have VERY passionate views on the entire COVID situation. Regardless of where you stand on the issue, please remember this is simply a blog on my perspective and the obstacles my family and I faced. This is an incredibly sensitive subject for me so if it goes against your personal views you may stop reading at any time**

Early morning April 8th I received a phone call from Ashley that Hannah had stopped breathing, the ambulance came to get her but the hospital in her town decided to send her straight to Springfield Children’s Mercy via helicopter. I immediately jumped in my car and headed that way. Keith was 7 hours ahead of me due to the time difference. We used WhatsApp to communicate. I am so grateful for technology. I was able to call him anytime. I did not have any information at the time, but I called Keith and told him I was headed to the hospital.

The next part of the story is where my anger towards COVID truly shows. I beat Ashley to the hospital, but due to COVID, only one person was allowed in. I thought it should be Ashley, so I called her and told her where to go and that she was the only one that could go in. I hated that she had to carry all of that on herself. This was just the beginning.

Over the course of the next five hours, I was not allowed into the hospital itself. Please read that carefully. I was not allowed into the hospital; not the lobby, not the waiting room, not allowed into the building. I attempted to contact roughly ten different

April is military child appreciation month, officially known as the Month of the Military Child.

Military Kids are a huge part of the Military Family. When Service Members are gone for training or deployment, Military Kids are put to a different test, especially during holidays, birthdays, family time, life lessons, and everyday life.

Our April mission is called Military Kids. It's a 4 mile walk/ruck with 4 exercises in honor of Military Kids. More details here!

Proceeds go towards a scholarship for deserving Military Kids. The scholarship is in honor and remembrance of Hannah H., a true Military Kid that passed away on April 11, 2020, from undiagnosed Type 1 Juvenile Diabetes. We call the scholarship Hannah’s Heroes.

Donations are also accepted for this cause here. Please select, Military Kids Scholarship when donating online. Processing fees apply. If you choose to donate by check, please contact us here.

people to get a status update on my daughter. No one would take my name, my phone number, nothing. I was kicked out of the lobby three times, the last of which they said they would call law enforcement if I did not comply. I begged them to call Springfield Police Department. I had served in the NG with many of them and I knew they could help. Finally, I received a phone call from a doctor who told me that my daughter was not breathing and likely would die.

I started screaming. Wait, Wait, DIE?! The last time I spoke to Ashley she said she was breathing?!

**Disclaimer 2: It is not her fault that she received/misunderstood that information. I am angry that the hospital put the burden of communication regarding her dying daughter on her. She needed to focus on Hannah, not try to relay information to me so I could get that information to Keith. It is 100% not on her. **

By this time, roughly six hours had passed since I was told Hannah was going to the hospital. Six hours I could have had the Red Cross working on getting Keith home from overseas. I had no idea it was that serious.

I finally was allowed in once they transferred her up to the Pediatric ICU (PICU). At some point in the ER, Hannah’s stepfather, Doug, was allowed in and helped communicate some of the information with me. I am very thankful for that.

**Disclaimer 3: I had all the required documentation to show that I was the legal representative of Keith through a power of attorney (POA) and therefore had the right to all information regarding Hannah. The only way Keith knew what was going on was when I told him through the app.**

Once up to PICU, the three of us were able to speak with the doctor. She asked that I call Keith and put him on speaker phone so he could hear what was going on as well. This was both positive and negative as reception in the hospital was terrible on my phone, and due to the time difference Keith had not slept going on 20 hours at that point. But, at least he was allowed to hear it straight from the doctor.

From this moment on, there were many positive and negative things that happened. I am angry they did not recognize the POA and my position as Keith’s representative. When he left, my job as his representative, his voice, was something that was an honor for me. I was proud to do it. I needed to do it. Yet here, even with all of the required paperwork presented, I was not seen as anything more than a loved one.

This is where the relationship I have with Ashley was one of the biggest factors in this entire experience. We were able to get Caleb upstairs with us so he could be with his mom during this time. Olivia and Lizzy were back home with my mom. Ashley made sure that I was included in everything. We took shifts, Ashley and Doug would stay with Hannah during the day while Caleb and I rested in one of the empty PICU rooms. Then we would switch in the evening. The doctors would not discuss anything with me, so I had to have either Ashley present or call and wake up Keith for simple updates. This angered me. Yet again, I was not able to do my part. When we decided that Hannah had fought hard enough, and it was time to let her go Home, Ashley was the one that made sure I got time with Hannah. She truly went above and beyond what most biological mothers would do for their child’s stepmother. I cannot put into words the gratitude I have for her.

Hannah’s time of death was April 11th, 2020 at 0030. The causes of death are listed as: undiagnosed type 1 diabetes, diabetic ketoacidosis, lack of oxygen, and multisystem organ failure. I believe God spared her all of the pain of this by not allowing her to wake up from the time Doug started CPR while the ambulance was getting there. She never showed any signs of life from that point without machines. I believe that is when she went Home.

During all of this, military personnel both overseas and here at home, worked around the clock to get Keith home. Again, COVID meant there were no flights going in and out of anywhere, and typical deployment debriefings were taking twice as long. Normal deployment debriefings took at least a week. My husband was on a plane at 5am Kuwait time Monday morning and was at my mom’s doorstep (where we were staying at the time) by 9pm Tuesday night. This is a true work of God. There were so many people involved in getting him home, and so many people who went out of their way, on their own dime and time, to get him home to me.

Keith and I share many friends we’ve met over the years in the military. That is one of the best things about being a dual status family. Those military coworkers, friends, were also my friends. We had one person, I won’t name her as I do not want to embarrass her, but she was at my mom’s home within the first twelve hours of Keith getting home with a box of goodies. Crafts for the girls, drinks for Keith and me, food and cards for a distraction. She simply dropped it off on the porch with a card, and left. She did not want praise. She just wanted to make sure we knew she cared.

Keith had several coworkers in Kuwait that he literally spent twenty hours a day with. THEY sent HIM a care package. They framed a photo they all took and sent him inside joke knick-knacks. They also had a couple things for the girls. I found this particularly cute and sweet since it came from big back Soldiers. Keith struggled with the desire to go back over, to finish the mission. I do not blame him. I cannot say I would be any different. His leadership wouldn’t even entertain the idea. They made it clear: his mission was complete. He did good.

If I had to sum up what the last year has been like, I could do it in one sentence. I am angry. I have realized I am an angry griever. COVID, yet again, prevented us from

getting the counseling services we needed. I’m sorry, but my daughter just died, I’m not going to drive an hour to fill out paperwork in a parking lot for a phone call. That was a struggle. I am still struggling with all of the indirect unnecessary obstacles we had to go through because of COVID. But, like always, I’ll make it happen.

I think I struggle more now than I did in the first six months. I have episodes of such anger that I have a hard time keeping it in. They say there is no manual for the correct way to grieve, but I’ll tell you one thing, there is definitely nothing to show the correct way for a STEP MOM to grieve. For the first time in over twelve years, I was reminded, for four straight days, that I was “just” the stepmom. I have never put my kids into those categories. They are all my kids. We even call Ashley “bonus mom” to my biological girls. Yet when I was suppose to hold down the fort, take care of the kids, be Keith’s voice, I couldn’t. I still struggle with that.

April 11, 2021 will mark one year since Hannah went Home to be with her Lord and Savior. When we were saying our goodbyes, as heartbreaking as it was, I knew that He was waiting at the gates to welcome her into His arms. I could not save my baby girl, but He did. She is walking amongst streets of gold. She is not in pain anymore.

We had a rough relationship for several years, but the last few have been some of the best years of my life when it comes to the relationship I have with my kids. Hannah was my right hand man. She stepped up when Keith left and helped more than I realized. She is Olivia’s hero. They were inseparable. Truly glued to each other. Lizzy looks exactly like her. Every day I see Hannah in Lizzy. Caleb, my amazing son. He was robbed of the chance to get to be a normal teenager. He was presented with an event no child should ever have to experience. He is the strongest person I know.

If I had to name my hero, it would be a simple one: My Military Kids. Over the last twelve years, my kids have experienced so many things having both parents in the military. The NG is unique in that we are required to switch between civilian and soldier rather quickly and frequently. We do not have many of the same resources active duty has. Therefore, many times we’re on our own when it comes to different kinds of support.

My Military Kids are the most resilient and strong people I know. They were faced with so much adversity the last twelve months and they have made it happen.

Please, I beg of you, when you are saying your prayers for those service members and their loved ones, say a special one for those military kids. They are the true heroes.